Building Resiliency in Your Kids: A Natural Process

Back to school season is in full swing! Many parents are adjusting back to fall schedules, new classes, and new worries. From kindergarten goodbyes to dreaded college drop offs, this season of change often has parents wondering how their children will cope with new challenges.

It seems parents’ worries are justified. According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), nearly 20% of children suffer with mental illness. The National Institute of health found that, among adolescents aged 12-17, anxiety and depression were the most common diagnoses. Given these statistics, it’s no surprise that many parents are asking what they can do to help their children navigate life’s many stressors. From sitting alone at lunch, to getting their first job, to managing the uncertainty of relationships and future plans, how can parents help set their children up for success? How do we help them be prepared for something we can’t always predict or control?

What is Resiliency?

The Webster dictionary defines resiliency as “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to adversity or change.” Resiliency has been shown to have a positive relationship with academic achievement, protect against delinquency, problem-drinking behaviors and encourage other pro-social behaviors.

The THREAD of Resiliency.

So how can parents build resiliency? Well, if you’re asking that question, you’re already on the right track! Dr. Ann. S Masten, a resiliency researcher and professor, wrote an article titled “Ordinary Magic”. She states “Resilience appears to be a common phenomenon arising from ordinary human adaptive processes.” Masten shared that resiliency is a skill that can be taught and developed through every-day experiences. She compiled a list of resilience factors, which were later built upon to form the mnemonic THREADS:

Attachment: The Foundation

Recently, there’s been a lot of research into healthy childhood attachment. Svendsen ‘s research went as far as to propose that attachment is the cornerstone of resiliency. Researchers identified four factors you can begin working on today:

• Be emotionally responsive: respond to your child’s distress, and be an “emotional container”. This means helping your child to name and understand their emotions, while regulating your own emotional response.
• Be attuned: Understand what your child needs, and help them identify those needs. For example, you might say to your distressed child “Ah, you must be hungry, let’s get you a snack” or “It sounds like you’re feeling left out, let’s go and play soccer together”.
• Be consistently compassionate: When children know to expect our empathy, they feel safe to turn to us for support. This does not mean you don’t provide consequences or healthy boundaries to children, but to do so with love and gentleness.
• Be a Secure Base: create a relationship where the child can explore on their own, but knows that you’ll always be there for support. This is easily shown when talking about a toddler exploring a playground; the toddler moves away from the parents to explore, but often comes back to check in or looks to the caregiver for assistance when climbing. Your child feels confident that they can trust you to be there if something goes wrong, but also confident enough to venture out.

Many parents ask what building healthy attachment actually looks like. Luckily, you may already be doing many attachment-building activities! They include spending quality time with your child, empathetic listening, participating in child-led play, and being available during times of distress.

Related reading: Healing Trauma Through Connection: Why Relationships Matter

Regulation

Regulation involves being able to identify and cope with difficult emotions. Modeling is one the best ways to teach regulation! When children see us taking deep breaths, engaging in self-care, or otherwise regulate our emotions, they learn emotions aren’t something to avoid or fear but an experience that can be managed. Further, when we are regulated, we are better equipped to navigate our child’s inevitable emotional distress.

Suggestions for building regulation skills include rituals and routines, time-outs, deep breathing, and distraction (such as blowing bubbles). For older kids, taking walks, journaling, meditation and intentional deep breathing can be effective.

Efficacy

Efficacy refers to the belief that one has control over themselves and can influence their environment. Consequently, when one has a strong sense of efficacy, one can see a future for themselves. And if you think about it, many of the struggles between parents and children arise from the natural tension between the child forging their own path and parents trying to appropriately guide them.

Parents can build healthy efficacy through allowing their children to have choices. This doesn’t mean that parents don’t set rules or boundaries, but rather allow their children age-appropriate autonomy. For example, allowing your little one to choose between a red shirt or a blue shirt in the morning. For other children, it may look like allowing your teenager to decide how to save their money from their first job (and allowing the natural consequences to occur).

Other tools include positive reinforcement, getting curious about your child’s decisions or behavior, and educating them about adult processes (such as budgeting, resume writing, conflict resolution etc.)

Social Connectedness

Following Svendsen’s theory, social connectedness is the string that ties everything together. Family, school, friends, religious connections, and community support all support both children and parents as they navigate the constant changes of life. It is important for parents to identify who is in their support network: who do you call when you feel overwhelmed? Who do you know could be a safe place for your child? Children can identify their supports: coaches, friends, teachers, and others in their life.

Finally, the last few factors include thinking/learning, hope, and developmental skill mastery. When children continue to grow, they are naturally given opportunities to learn and develop skills, which can help them build efficacy. When they build confidence, they naturally can feel excited and hopeful about their future. Many of these skills occur in school settings. At home, we can allow our children to help in the kitchen, participate in age-appropriate activities that build motor skills (such as coloring or cleaning a table), and encourage critical thinking skills.

Recommended Resiliency Books:

The following book list contains great books to read and discuss with your family.

Perfection Isn’t the Goal

Most parents worry about “being a good parent” and want to see resiliency grow in their children. These concerns are natural and normal, and the fact that you worry about your kids already means you care. You may notice that you’re already doing most of the suggestions here!

It’s okay to focus on the basics. Being emotionally available and consistent, modeling healthy regulation, allowing for healthy autonomy, and encouraging community involvement builds strong, resilient kids.

So next time something difficult occurs, remind yourself that focusing on the natural factors of resiliency will help your child navigate the inevitable storms of life. You got this!

References:

• Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). Data and statistics on children’s Mental Health. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/children-mental-health/data-research/index.html
• Masten, A. S. (2001). Ordinary magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist, 56(3), 227–238. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066x.56.3.227
• Sanchez, A., Gainza Perez, M., & Field, C. A. (2022). The role of resilience in alcohol use, drinking motives, and alcohol-related consequences among Hispanic college students. American Journal of Drug & Alcohol Abuse, 48(1), 100–109. https://doi-org.offcampus.lib.washington.edu/10.1080/00952990.2021.1996584
• Sappenfield O, Alberto C, Minnaert J, et al. Adolescent Mental and Behavioral Health, 2023. 2024 Oct. In: National Survey of Children’s Health Data Briefs [Internet]. Rockville (MD): Health Resources and Services Administration; 2018-. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK608531/
• Svendsen, S., Griffin, J., & Forkey, H. (2020). Using the attachment relationship and positive parenting principles to build childhood resilience. Advances in Pediatrics, 67, 15–28. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.yapd.2020.04.004
• Zhu, J., & Bruce, M. (2026). Adolescent Delinquency Following Exposure to Childhood Traumatic Experiences: The Moderating Role of Resilience Factors. Journal of Child & Adolescent Trauma., 19(1), 195–207. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40653-026-00826-1